And there she goes again .. yes yes beware long rant ahead!

 Have been meaning to write this post for over a month now, but then each time that I sit to type, there’s a certain voice in me which screams that you guys are tired of my rants and need a well deserved break. So be it I thought and resorted to smaller rants 😉 … but today I guess that voice too gave into my attempts!

 No I won’t sound like a celebrity and go on like .. there’s too much happening in my life that a mortal soul can imagine – for the truth is things are happening at their own pace, it’s me so suddenly feels awakened. I am sorry Nu .. for all those times you’ve coaxed me and I’ve been out of the scene and Minal and Amit to you guys too for sticking by despite me being pertually lost!

January is difficult and even Laura Bumbach agrees – just that our reasons differ! The publisher panning my work also doesn’t help much and there’s a constant sense of betrayal of that grasps me. But guess the lid blew off when Tamanna’s centre person (one odd of them) told me that “I’m not to get what exactly is happening because I am not a mother!”

 Aaah well then it hit me that while I was busy reconstructing my fairy tale, it’s the Neverland which was falling apart!

Tamanna – our wish that came true also came with the realization that every wish does come with a * which goes on to read “Terms and Conditions” apply. Here it was a difficult, obstinate kid, with a set of dried up emotions and with a psychological problem of ‘chronic lying disorder’ or “mythomania“. I have dealt with kids earlier, but guess the closeness with T made me realize what the term ‘obstinate’ is all about. Her case history has made me prepared for this. So on days when she refused to talk to me, I would sit quietly with her till she made a sound. I would then turn and give into whatever she had to say. Slowly being patient helped and we progressed – it was now 1 question answered in 4 hours. Still I thought she’s opening up. Games, chats, binding through gibberish, pseudo anger sessions, cajoling nothing helped. People suggested gifting – but then again her ‘material streak’ being a centre child and having taken for granted that everything will be provided to her- made me ignore that advise. To make matters worse, I found a few disturbing elements – a fake profile of her created by her ‘brother’ which was filled with foreigners and had links to ‘sexually explicit pages’. Her confessing to me about knowing about ‘chatting’ with strangers and then trying to cover up. Lying about an imaginary trip and then confessing it to be ‘at par’ with school kids. And yes lying for each little thing.

 As I spoke with Ma she told me that I too was an imaginative kid, but then there’s a difference between spinning stories out of imagination as a creative mind and doing the same to paint a glorious picture. T had resorted to the latter. In the meanwhile office and publishing work suddenly took a front seat and there was a sense of terrible loss at all fronts. I missed Y, but then I knew that it was not the time to muse. Beyond my emotional capacity I took the big leap – Counselors. It meant making T visit this ‘Didi’ who was my friend and wanted to know her. There was out right rejection on the first day. I volunteered to come along. I told A of the scenario – having worked with BMC kids she exactly knew what to do. Yet again Mumbai taught me a lot. A’s and my analysis met and through extensive sessions we boiled down to the same conclusions. I scheduled my sessions in morning so that T never sees me there and is away at school. Evenings meant calling up her school when she’s not around to check with her teachers. Nights meant leaving aside all research work and just concentrating on child psychology.

 I thought I would see it through. Me and A, we conjured up everything we needed to tell to the centre – but didn’t realize I was not the mother! Mentors and Sponsers cannot ever be mothers you see! 🙄 Trust me Starry I remembered you so much when I heard that – it was like screaming in my head – your post I mean 😡

 T needs help, she needs to learn austerity, she needs to be off the ‘sponsor’ list and she needs a hostel-life to make her understand the need to stand on her own feet – but then again I realize we spoil our own kids and then go on to lecture others. The centre organized a ‘How to deal with tantrums’ workshop and here refused to give T’s demands a glare (just because me the sponsor was beside her!) 😡

 Today I feel I have hit a road block – M4 has been constantly telling me that this is not what I sought to gain/learn/impart, but then she too knows that there’s a dream which prevents me from giving up. I think I am still going strong because of her – thank you crazy lady! A friend who met T bowed down to my patience, and instead of feeling nice about myself I felt bad that I couldn’t change the little soul 😥

 So I ask, is it because I haven’t reached the Big O and not yet experienced a womb kick that I stand to lose out? Do mothers come with a handy book that is presented to them via the umbilical cord? Before mothers became a mother did they know nothing about handling children? So just because I feel that there are therapies which T needs and care that she desires – the same is to be verified by a mother of a child of T’s age??? Doesn’t matter if the same is being verified by doctors or her teachers in school!

 What makes a mother – age, experience, mindset or the mere tugging of heart and flow of an undefined feeling where each time that I look at T I feel responsible???

 How do u give up on a dream? 😕


*** One of the few things that keep me sane these day – Pink Floyd! Another of my favorites that run on loop on my IPod!