Dear Butt-Lover,

 The next time you feel my bums or even attempt to ‘accidentally’ brush them the wrong way I swear I will not elbow you ‘where it hurts the most’ like today, instead I’ll deflate your bums and make them equivalent to that flat hairy chest you seek to flaunt with through your unbuttoned shirt.

 With loads of elbows shoves, Pepper sprays and safety-pin pokes,

DW 👿

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No this is not a letter to our Witch queen or the Bat- prince, but a small note to those butt- loves… errr butt brushers rather who make me go berserk with anger on Monday mornings!

I am a stickler for public transport; it helps me connect to the city I live in. I even prefer them over trains here in Mumbai. The slow idyllic ride helps me to think as I travel to office everyday. After all Wordsworth said it quite truly that

“What is life filed with care, if you do not have time to stop and stare?” 😛

 But not all mornings I have the time to stop and stare. My erratic sleep schedule often makes me miss my morning alarm and what follows is a frenzy rush to reach office. And yes of course the usually oh so best BEST buses are lazy on Mondays and the taxi drivers who are always there to lure me when they have a bus following them, are no where in sight! 👿

So as I brave my way ducking under sweaty armpits that can act as a perfect substitute to chloroform, I wonder 😯 this about Mumbai today?

  1.  Have you wondered why all ‘accidental’ falls are succeeded with a smile, instead of a curse that usually escapes when the bus drive erroneously breaks?
  2. Why do all buses have advertisements of sex clinics – I mean can anyone let me know why the bus walls are considered the perfect place for these ads?
  3. Why do people have to crowd at the exit door when they will only get off at the stop which is to come after 2 stations and let others (who want to get off at that precise stop) know only when it’s almost too late!
  4. Why does the ticket checker demand exact change each time when his money bag juggles with coins each time he walks by?
  5. Why do people fart with complete disregard to the fact that the height of their bum is in horizontal alignment to a face?
  6. What thrill does that man who gives me a toothy grin as he hops off, get from rushing his hand against my waist in order to ‘make space’ to move, when the corridor of the bus represents the Wankhade stadium … well almost!

  No I shall not give up riding buses – my idyllic ride is too precious to me (oh recently someone asked if idyllic is my favorite word 😛 – yes darling coz often I am found in the idle state!), but maybe I shall promote myself to the genre of the BEST a/c buses – they cost a tad more but make me wish that the office stop never arrives. 😛

Ohhhh btw I have a few questions regarding these buses too: (yea yea go 🙄 as much as you want!)

 Why do people who ride these buses generally speak in English with their fellow passengers?

  1. Why does everyone whisper while talking in these buses?
  2. Why is the “GujaratiSamachar” neatly tucked under the Economic Times as the young corporate dozes?
  3. Why does no one smile on these buses when your eyes meet (I love this fact about the female co-passengers of the ordinary BEST buses!)

  Chalo ab ‘bus’ kiya**!!!! Go answer now! 😉

 _________________________________

 

Note:

 

**Translates to mean – Ok now I shut up as that’s enough! The Hindi terminology of ‘bus’ translates to me enough in English.

 

Check out the BEST butt 😛

 

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Mumbai Mondays is all about seeing Mumbai and its surroundings through my eyes. It’s my take to introduce you to a city and its surroundings which I love, as I see it – alone and often with friends (we call ourselves the Mumbai Mad Caps). It’s a thread that goes live every Monday. I cover places randomly and welcome suggestions too. You can find more posts about Mumbai Mondays here.

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