I am just back from Kites, no not because I was dying to watch it… but mainly because the furniture in my house was tired of seeing me around and they needed some ‘space’! And then at the mall there was nothing to shop and as my brand of Soya oil was not available I decided not to humiliate the counter guy buy buying 5 packs of just ciggies (yea in this part of the world they still get flabbergasted when a girl does that!).
So is this going to be a Kites review? No don’t think so, coz I am yet to make up my mind whether I actually liked it or not. There’s a part of me that says it was ‘ok’ a watch, then there’s the critique that points out way too many loopholes and flaws and then there’s the larger me (Triple sides???? I see Y gasp… wasn’t this dual zodiac sign enough to deal with?) that says that the dilemmas has nothing to do with the either of the afore mentioned and asks me whether I really watched the movie?
True, three hours of high colour motion picture today passed in sepia … the screen even from the third row kinda looked blurred and my favourite popcorn and Pepsi didn’t have any aftertaste!
I should have known that this was the vicious weekend on Friday itself. The only time I wasn’t working was when I was doing a blog makeover! Two days and 4 hours of sleep is all I have in my kitty and still as I type and glance at the watch I know that this too is gonna be a long night!
The house is silent and somehow this silence seems eerie to me today and that is what scares me. Loneliness has never crept it so bad as it did when I unlocked my door today. This wasn’t the first of the weekends that I had done all these that I did. In fact like always I ignored the error the man at the cash did by punching in for ‘two’ tickets instead of one and then looked at my face blankly when I corrected him! The guys sitting next to me didn’t bother me (it used to at the beginning when I was new to watching movies alone, when people used to think that a girl alone at the movie halls is ‘easy’). I cooked dinner for myself and even made my bed the way I like to be tucked in. Then why this??? Why do I today just want to watch the highway cars go by and wish that I wasn’t struggling to hold my tears back?? Why am I craving a hug so bad today?
The funniest part is that I am craving for company when I have company. The ‘jaan’ of parties, the office ‘jester’, Y’s mature ‘puppy, Baba’s ‘wall’, BF’s ‘agony aunt’ – ME and luckily role reversals too exist, but then it’s always been the me inside who’s kept me company. I am always been the smiling happy child since childhood, who just needed her drink (then milk – now rum) and a book to keep her happy. And today after a decade of life alone it hits me that I’m lonely and that the facade isn’t working for my own self.
But then again will I turn to Y… nah he knows even better than to offer. He knows my take on relationships and somewhere like my parents has drawn the line in defining them with me. I am never to move in is accepted as the fact that Rohan Gavaskar will make never make it to the Indian team!
So if I am so clear then I shouldn’t be feeling this right? Yup, that is how I have explained myself all these seasons, before a preceding afternoon discussion with a close aunt on my ‘baby plans’ and Morrie’s dialogue – ‘I want babies’ made me realise what I really am craving for – a baby and no one else.
I know my aunt is right when I point to finances as an issue and she asks me if ever they would be ever be enough? She asks me if I am scared and I keep quiet! I tell her I’ll keep a dog first and she asks me whether that is going to help my fear or finances! I retort that I am not scared and she keeps quiet!
But the truth is that I am scared to take the plunge. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. I have a drawer filled with forms and contact details. I have been on a saving frenzy for months now! I have started an alternate career plan in order to take up the single parent unpaid leave… but still I am scared. I am not scared of diapers, colic, or hassled nights alone. I am not scared of awkward questions, tsk’ing relatives or even smirking friends – they still come my way without my baby being there. Then you ask??? I don’t know but still I am scared. It’s such a weird feeling that I cannot describe.
It’s a thing I have craved for a long time now and even after so much planning I am scared. Maybe because I know Ma will be terribly hurt even though I am confident that she’ll come around. Maybe because I fear that I’ll raise another kid who finds relationships claustrophobic (I know it won’t be in the genes but then I have dismissed the gene theory long back when I discovered that I was not adopted!). But then again I have to take the plunge to know if the fears are true!
1 month more and then I move into my ‘own’ house … 1 month more and I resolve to read this post again and take out those forms and decide whether to fill them or chuck them.
I don’t want a higher degree now coz somewhere am not mentally ready to study in a school again, though Y terrible feels the other way and is somewhere checking my ‘essay’. I am clear on the marriage/moving in issue, though Ma terribly wishes that whenever I smile at the Tanishq ad I’ll tell her about Y.
But I think it’s time I decide what I want and whether this is how and when I want it. Coz with another birthday knocking at my door, i know that I ain’t got all the time in the world to just ‘decide’!
1 month is all I give to myself to decide… coz I thing is for keeps that am tired of counting highway cars and looking at life in sepia colours! I want some love now .. some unconditional one (even if it’s for a few years before ‘her’ own life sets )…

Time starts now Sagarika…

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