Aah no true Bong can ever proudly survive without once in his/her lifetime reiterating what their Bollywood/Tolywood/Hollywood (yea for Bongs he’s even played James Bond revisited!) hero MithunDa once said on the Golden Screen that set a mob fury in town – Maarbo ekhane laash porbe shoshane (I’ll whack you here and your limp body shall land on your pyre!)
I used it to the utmost satisfaction of my Bong soul today and trust me it does feel good (the kind of a liberating feeling which one feels after a long spell of constipation is over!) *Okay sorry!!*
First to fall victim was the Bai, na not the “Itne Paise mein itna ich milega” wala, but the “Jitna Paisa daalo kuch nahin milega” breed! In Mithunda movies they would be pitied, but here when today she rung the bell at morning 6 with complete disregard to it being a Saturday, I could offer only a whack instead of a plesantary. To top it when she innocently asked ‘Oho… raat ko padh rahi thi kya’ I felt like murdering her as I muttered ‘Haan barish mein human anatomy padh rahi thi!’
The snooze button was coupled by a call from XYZ whose first question was ‘madam mere agaisnt warrant nikal gaya hai main kya karoon?’. I sat up straight and answered police station jaiye aur inspector ke paas se usse bravery award manke lijiye!!! No didn’t exactly do that but politely advised him ‘ghoom ke aaiye kahin door’, while secretly I prayed that the Police catches him and he gets whacked badly, for reasons unknown but had to rush to office to know.
Yea, it felt liberating again to be transported back to the college days when ahlf of the morning classes used to be attented with a toothbrush in my backpack and a quick SMS to the guy whose turn it was to carry the toothpaste! But then the feeling was cut short when the traffic announced that it was a rainy Saturday and bad roads provided the perfect pre-vote highlight agenda for the Opposition party.
So while I heard as to how the Left Government wished death on roads and the pathetic situation of the society, I saw the ‘educated socially aware politician’ taking a break to take a leak by the roadside. The civilian in me felt like rushing up and whacking him with his own political flag, but then the thought of one already alive warrant made me merely zoom past, but not before intentionally splashing a puddle next to him and glaring back at those Sania-Bhabhi-gutka-red eyes!
The office entry was filled with juggling police station calls and pacifying the ‘accused’ who was convinced that death bell had rung for him. When I found out that there was no warrant but merely an enquiry call from the police station and that the ‘innocent accused’ by then was already en-route Delhi and his absence now could really trigger an issue of warrant, I didn’t know whom to whack, the ‘innocent accused’, who had mis-interpreted the information or myself, for deciding to study law and then deciding to deal with such people!
The setting sun made me solemn about a Saturday wasted, and I decided to play my own agony aunt by visiting my favourite Pav Bhaaji wala to have the “ek plate Ispecial Tadka maaarke” and ‘paani kum chai’! Just was about to take a bite and recall ‘how to fake an orgasm while eating’ scene of Harry Met Sally, when a fake ‘Umrican’ accent brought me back to senses as a Non Required Indian rattled to an an asli American about the ‘sucky’ state of the country! I could have easily drowned his head in the bhaaji gravy to make him connect to his roots (bhaaji -made from veggies – so roots – got the logic?) and whacked his butt, but instead merely walked out in distate while the pav bhaaji bhaiya repeatedly apologised for not making the food well and assured me a ‘free refill’ , but the damage was done.
I refused to talk to BF, refused to take X’s calls only to be found by him at the Ganga Ghat (wishing all the wackies had by then landed at the samshaan ghat Mithun da style!) with a friend who whispered to him (well within my earshot) “what’s wrong with her” and he whispered back “It’s Shanivaar.. Shani devta resides in her today” …. Need I explain why I exceeded my quota of whacks stipulated by Blogadda today?
The above has been submitted for the Blog Adda contest. However, i could not attach my widget over here from Pringoo as it is pending approval. But to give an idea it is a T-shirt bearing the line “Beware – I bite on Saturdays and this is my Shani-wear” – to depict the state of my mind.