On way to office today there’s a little shrine I cross each day, today too was no exception. But the school nearby announcing its morning classes with the bell ringing made all the difference. The car had to stop to give way to the children crossing the road. I was noticing little feet trotter away and smiling at how similar they all looked, when I noticed a young girl praying at that very shrine. It was strange, because I have never seen anyone pray there for the two years that I have been crossing that street. It’s always been a customary prayer for well being that I have wispered each morning, never even bothering to reflect later in the day whether God actually deliberated on my morning prayer or not.
I kept staring at the girl, wondering what was praying for. Then when my confused mind gave up, I said my own prayer being awakened by the car horns and zommed off! Later I saw a missed call from X. I called back to have him ask about my whereabouts. I told him about my absent mindedness and my engrossing moments near the shrine, when he asked me as to what I prayed for today?
When I calmly replied that I merely wished that the young girl’s prayers get answered, he kept quiet. He knew better than to comment. He knows that I don’t ever wish for myself, though I have never told him my reason for the same. I expected him to digress on some other topic, when he decided to exceed my expectations!
He asked me why I couldn’t ever be normal like other girls? Have expectations, emotions – demanding things from life and people? I closed my eyes in my attempt to picture his face so that in my mind I could stare back at him as I heard him sigh!
He didn’t wait for my response, neither did I think he expected me to give any. It wasn’t something new I had heard today. It hasn’t unsettled me. I just merely smiled like I do everytime when everyone tells me this.
How can I explain this ‘why’ X? I don’t know… all I know that I have more faith in my prayers being answered when I wish for someone like that girl in the blue salwaar kameez, I spotted today morning, than when I pray for me.
And somewhere to pray and lose, leaves nobody to blame but my Krishna – and somehow I can’t do that. So I don’t pray. Just so that when days like these arrive and I question myself as to ‘why’ this happened or ‘why’ I have to go through all this – a part of myself to make the girl in me calm, reasons that probably this is because I didn’t pray to Krishna!
There’s this one blame which I want to keep handy for all seasons for a quick self explanations to keep me sane, when I don’t know myself why nothing is going right!
I write this in yellow to let you know that I do not blame you for anything. How can I ? i doubt if you even know what I want/wanted and Ma says – till you share anything it’s unfair to expect, and my Ma is seldom wrong! So chill, I still love you and this script in your favorite color is the proof of that!