I have often wondered as to why my mother was never visited by Subhadra as she held me in her womb, maybe then she would have too trained me to tackle the Chakravyu named “life”.
“Endowed with Metis” … that is how a very close friend of mine defined me after knowing me for close to a decade. She says that it amazes her how each time I bounce back and life with a new zeal. The ease with which I forgive, remember yet let the same set of people hurt me. Yet, to her I am the winner … she like others has too judged me by the worldly list of “achievements”.
I awe each person I meet… maybe coz they look at me and wonder how people like me survive. And now, with a new chapter in my life ready to be penned down by me, I awe them all the more!
To tell you the truth my friends, I awe myself too…
I’m in awe of the fantasies I still clutch within my palms…. even well after the last grain of hope has slipped out….
I’m still in awe of all the attempts I strive to make each day only to see them fail… still at the end of the day … tired exhausted as I go to sleep I make myself believe that tomorrow is going to be different… And naively I am successful each night 😉
There are roles in life that I play that awe me… friend, sister, daughter, beloved … the ease with which I fit in only to realize that what is expected of me is not what I thought I could…. Tryings awe me.. failures awe me… my little self promise to keep trying awes me the most!
I have always loved Shakespeare…. King Lear being one of my favourites… it is there that I discovered that probably I had lived a life before through Cordelia….
It’s not that I haven’t tried being Regan…. but then Cordelia suited me more…. however as one suitor of mine labelled me as Portia and the other went to the extent of Estella (he scared me to the extent that I felt nude in that heavily suited attire!!!)
There are a lot of things going on in my mind as I type this…. Metis is what I need the most today. No am not scared of failing … just a bit skeptical that what the future beholds…
My mom still hums Que Sara around the house, but then again I wonder whether I should still pull out the old Cliff Richard (Bachelor Boy) record that at one point of time made “all the sense”!
In my quest for surviving alone…. through the darkest times alone with a smiling face not letting any wound show… I had always feared that I might turn into a cynic…. but then I was confident … confident that no matter how bad the nights are there would be a bright morning somewhere in this world… a place which I am yet to discover!
I have always wanted to believe that I too can share my tough times with someone… it’s this that gives me faith that I am strong and that I have seen through this quarter life.
I have learnt to live life the way i can convince myself that I’m happy… and at the end of the day my stupid concurrence to this illusory fact makes me contended….
I have learnt that I don’t fear failings regarding material things, but I fear losing out on my dreams because of my loved one’s not understanding them and me giving up thinking its not worth it!
I know I’ll win in the end, that my love shall win and that there awaits a pot of luck at the end of this journey… but for now battle is only half won… coz there are nights that still make me cry…. coz there are nights that still wonder whether I’ll again fail…. coz there are times when I hate myself for being so misunderstood….. But then again this Jhansi Ki Rani has never given up :P…
As for now it’s a journey where I am trying to live up to the tag….and this blog is my journey for all those moments where I have to prove to myself that this Jhansi Ki Rani is truly “endowed with metis” ..:)